I've spent many quiet minutes in the very quiet house since my last post, alone with my thoughts, I think I've finally figured out the cause of all this internal strife: I have not been completely honest about my situation with myself and those I talk to about it. So here goes:
I am married with kids. Whenever I spoke about my signif other in the past, I always referred to her as my girlfriend. I think I was afraid to admit to anyone (or maybe just myself) that she is actually my wife. Not because I'm embarrassed or I don't love her, but because I guess I felt like I was sort of cheating on her, having this whole other secret persona of Elise that lives in my mind and online, that Elise's fantasies of having illicit liasons with other women and men were like having an affair - even though nothing has or will happen in real life. And I guess part of me felt that wanting the chance to experience life and love as a woman made me less of a man, but I know that I'm a good husband and a good father. These desires, this fantasy life, do not change that. Many people want to experience something different in their life, or try to imagine what it would be like living in someone elses shoes. The shoes I happen to want to wear are 4 inch stilettos.
Yes, my wife is away for the week visiting her brother. And I'm still going to go on as Elise as I've planned. I've arranged my schedule to work from home and use some vacation time. So when the kids are at school, and after they're safely tucked into their beds, I'll be Elise. And from now on, the beautiful love of my life will accurately be labeled as my wife - who has no idea I'm currently wearing her lavender silk chemise. That's a truth that will be faced at another point in life.